Monthly Archives: September 2018

I Feel Numb Inside

What if you just don’t feel the Love you believe is there for you? 

My heart broke a little reading these texts from a old friend.

“Do I believe the Universe is a friendly place? Yes.
Do I believe that Source loves unconditionally? Yes
But why do I believe those things? Logically, it’s the better choice, knowing that beliefs affect reality.
Do I know those things are true? No clue.”

“I am not like Matt Kahn, who had lots of conversations and mentoring from ascended masters and angels. I am not like you or Kyle: spiritually gifted people that have amazing hearts than can tune in and actually feel the love of the Universe. So how does the common man go from believing to knowing?

Often taking mindful breaths during the day and being present as possible. (Hasn’t done much)  Meditation. (hasn’t done much) Reading spiritual books.  (hasn’t done much) Being really honest with Source with whatever I might be experiencing. (hasn’t done much) Just sitting and silence and doing nothing but observing. (hasn’t done much)
Listening to the sound of stillness in my head. (hasn’t done much)

accepting pain

Maybe I’m missing something or maybe I just haven’t done enough.

I do believe it’s good to serve, to give, to be kind….and I try to do those things at work on a daily basis. That being said, I don’t feel much inside. Perhaps I’m even close to dead on the inside…and perhaps I’m the exception.

The universe is there for me?

I totally believe that. But if I’m being totally honest, don’t know how I would know that.
And it’s not about pain, the uncomfortableness, the limitations (real or imagined) or circumstances in general.  Ok with those experiencing those things. (I really am) It’s walking without feeling the connection, the support, the love of the Universe along the way, along the journey.
If I can give, serve, show kindness without feeling the support, love of the Universe….do I need the Universe? Do I need anything?
It makes me wonder.

Any heart can heal. Yours is not a lost cause.

“When you say you are numb on the inside, yet want to feel the support and love of the Universe, which is a feeling thing…well I suppose you have to go to the root of when and why you numbed your heart. But of course you have to want to feel again. You have to want to feel the pain of that made you want to numb in the first place. It’s the only way to heal it.

You’ve said before when you look at me and see what is, at times, an emotional roller coaster, you’d rather be numb than ride that. I get it. You clearly decided to tune out, to shut down at some point, or at several points along the way, to different degrees. You are not alone in this. I suspect more than half of the hearts in the world are there with you.

So it makes sense that to feel the love of Source you have to open back up to feeling in the first place.

If you set the intention for a meditation to see who or what caused the pain, I trust you will have any clarity that may be lacking there. Then, its just some forgiveness work.

Walk, or sit, or lie down, with your eyes OPEN, and open up to those memories. Want to feel them again. Invite them in. Ask for help from beyond yourself. Stay with it. Lead with your awareness and not your mind as much as possible. Stay with your breath.

If nothing seems to be happening, a passionate roar of frustration may get things moving. Or two or three. Stay with it. Don’t go back to the old narrative. Be present. Breathe.

Let the feelings come. Let them be ok. Don’t judge them, or run away. Let them break you open again. Stay with your breath to stay present.

If fear rises up because the feelings are so strong it feels they will overwhelm you, surrender to the process. This can be hard, but my experience is that on the other side of utter despair there is an ocean of peace. If we can trust deeply enough, we allow lifetimes of fear and pain to leave our body, and Love fills the void.

Be authentic in the moment. Out loud. Express what is there. Out loud. Energy needs vibration to leave the body. When you’ve had enough of the burden of this pain, let it go.
If you really want a free and feeling heart, forgive who or what need to be forgiven. Out loud. Stay with your breath through this. It will keep you in your heart.

Forgive yourself. Out loud. Your perception may still have judgments. I know in the recent video we discussed the idea of having done nothing wrong was introduced, and you could feel the power of that. But that is a leap from where you are right now, so allow it to be ok to offer grace and forgiveness to your now open self. Out loud.

If you need help, ask for it. Out loud. Remember your breath.

Now, from that space of having opened up your heart to experiences and energies from your past, if you are indoors just get outside or to a window, and look up at the expanse of the sky. Or at the ocean if you go there to do all this.


Connect more deeply to your breath. Reach out with your feelings 😉. Breath into your heart.
By now I trust you will feel a great deal of Love. If not, be authentic. Out loud. Ask. Pray. Wait and listen. Keep listening with your heart. It knows the way home.

And it is home, to feel the Love in the stillness, in the pause between breaths. Yes, to live fearlessly with a wide open heart will mean moments of sadness. But it will be different. There will be, as Marie McNamara put it, a soft landing space for your pain. I know this to be true. You will feel held in your despair. Held by a knowing that there really is nothing to fear. That the depth of the Love that flows to and through you is enough.

I’m happy to do this all with you, and hold that space, either from here or by your side.”

Same goes for you.






What’s Wrong Here?

Wait, a murderer has “done nothing wrong”??

The following is a recent slice of a very long running group text conversation that I am deeply grateful for. It has been a huge part of my growth these last two years, bringing out the confident coach and teacher that can flow through me when I get present and tune in. I have also been taught the humility that comes when my ego is leading the way.

The context here is that my friends have just watched the first couple of Matt Kahn videos in a free series that he and Hay House are putting out. The overarching theme of these videos is that until now most spiritual self improvement teachings come from a perspective in which there is a problem to fix. And that such a paradigm can create a lot of self judgement along our path of perceived progress or failure.

I think the questions asked are very common ones, and sharing this discussion could prove helpful.

sunrise in the clouds

Scott– Need some of your wisdom here. Golden Rule number 1…“I’ve done nothing wrong”. I get it…nothing someone does separates them from Source. Fine with that. But the person who treats others badly…the unsupportive/abusive partner. This dictator who harms many in terrible ways. The person who swindles many out of their retirement funds, etc etc. Ok, those deeds do not separate them from Source. But can we say in each case that they have done nothing wrong? Can they look in the mirror and say that? “I’ve done nothing wrong“? Could you say to survivors of an extermination that the person who ordered the exterminations did nothing wrong?

ToddMmm. I hear you. It gets harder when we look at things done out of deeper disconnects from love. [We ARE disconnected from Source/Love vibrationally but NOT relationally when we act from a place of fear or anger.]

I think this is an issue of semantics. Words carry a lot of weight. So when Matt or I use the word “wrong”, idk….for me I don’t see it as something to be judged. That is separate from identifying it as something disconnected, something unkind, something inappropriate in its effect on others.

So no one has done anything I want to judge, even a murderer. But I can still say and feel with no resistance that murder, rape, abuse, etc…IS NOT OK.  I don’t condone it. What can be done to stop it, while remaining in love, should be done. Absolutely.
      I just stop short of judging it in the Biblical sense. What people filled with hate or fear need is love, not more fear based punishment.
     Matt was talking in the self examination context. And even a Hitler is going to be served by the same processes we are. As far as healing goes.

Susan– So…judge no one, nothing… just give love, choose the highest vibration experiences, connections, etc, and pay no attention to the rest?

ToddIs that what I said? Reread the text.

Scott– It sounds like “wrong” has a couple of different contexts. Todd….can you or would you say that you (personally) have never done anything wrong in your lifetime?                I’m asking this stuff sincerely…just started listening (first five min) but should I be able to look at all the events that have occurred in my life and say...”I’ve done nothing wrong”. Is that the goal? I do think there is some very powerful stuff in that idea.

ToddYes and no. I think if you read my earlier text that context makes sense. Have I been a jerk, insensitive, unkind, selfish? Of course. Was that just fine? No. Do I judge myself about it? No. Not anymore. 

If we truly accept that everything can be for ones growth, we can say people should not do unloving things and still see the silver lining for the one on the receiving end. And yes, it is a very powerful idea indeed. Transformational actually, as self forgiveness is always one’s biggest issue.

Scott- Still seems like a very complex issue to me. I did read all of your texts but it still seems like the things that a person does are sometimes not ok, and at the same time a person has never done anything wrong. Would be a lot easier if the answer was simply “I’ve never done anything wrong.”

Todd Sure. And you can say that.  I certainly know what you mean. You see my differentiation, right? You can use the word wrong. I guess to me that word carries a cultural implication of judgement or punishment. I don’t want us to punish anyone. Least of all ourselves.

Susan– So… we can never do anything “wrong” in the sense that everything is happening exactly as it should (“right”), so no judging ourselves. But there are “not ok” things, unkind things, unloving things, even criminal things that are wrong in the sense of hurting or harming others in some way. That is what you (and Matt) mean?

Scott– Does Source keep any kind of record of wrongs? Of any kind? If it doesn’t…why not view ourselves in the same way?

Susan– View ourselves how? With no record?

Scott– Yes. No record of wrongs.

ToddNo, Sue, I don’t see it exactly as you asked. Everything happens. When you add ” as it should”, what does that mean to you? Does it convey the idea that all hateful things we choose to do is what Love/Life/Source wants to have happen? If it does mean that to you, I disagree.

Love/Source never “wants” for anything. It only responds. With more Love.

That is very important for the two of you. Religion gave us a deep cultural cellular memory of a God who wants this and that. Love is whole, needs nothing. It expands because that is the nature of Love. It can’t help it. It is not a desire based thing.

So Source/The Universe responds. To us. We are the captains of the good ship Mankind. We disconnect and do fearful things. We can respond in different ways. We can see through the eyes of Love and see chicken soup where there is chicken shit. Or we can just see through our fear goggles and see the shit.
Laughing thinking of Kyle’s bit in the Limitation Game about Fearnoculars. So funny.

Scott– Does Source keep any kind of record of wrongs? Of any kind? If it doesn’t…why not view ourselves in the same way?

Susan– View ourselves how? With no record?

Scott– Yes. No record of wrongs.

ToddYes Scott, YES! Look at yourself that way! No judgement. Look, everything is recorded. We will have a life review when we die. For learning purposes. There will be no judgement from Source/Love around it. 
We have to learn to see these things beyond the black and white of 3D thinking. We have to see them from place of Love. This is Matt’s message.

Scott– So…the dictator, the tyrant etc….Source views them exactly the same way as me and you? No record of any wrong thing they did…because there is no wrong in the eyes of source?
So I have never done anything wrong in my life?

Todd I can totally agree with that statement if we simply replace the word record with judgement. No judgement of any wrong they did. No judgement about hateful fearful disconnected actions. 

Do you get me? Why can’t we say “Source is incapable of judgement. There is no punishment for anything I’ve done that either I or someone else may feel was wrong.”
Why can’t we use the word wrong for being an insensitive prick, but lose our need for punishment?

Scott– Got it. Quite helpful

Todd– Murder is not a loving act. From the eyes of Love I can see that clearly. In fact I feel it. I feel the pain of it. In love I want to comfort both those affected and the murderer. So much pain on both sides. As Love I want only to heal it all. Not to punish.

Source loves unconditionally.

There. Simple.



Loving the Sadist

I sat up on the couch I’d just been dreaming on. I could still feel the fear coursing through my body. Wow. It was the third night in a row I’d had a version of the same dream. I was being hunted by someone who wanted to hurt me. Not just shoot me or kill me by some other quick means. This man sought to make me suffer.

I was never alone in these dreams. I was always running and hiding with a young girl. I was trying to protect her. Doing so slowed me down, but leaving her behind was never an option. To abandon her would have allowed me to outdistance this man, and escape. It wasn’t as though I kept choosing to be heroic. There was no choice. It was like she was a part of me.

I can see many of you nodding your heads. If you have read anything about dreams and their meanings, I’m sure you already have an interpretation ready for me. I have read some of those books, and the idea that every character in our dreams is a representation of a subconscious aspect of ourselves certainly resonates.

Dreams of flight from something menacing are no doubt common. I have had versions of this dream off and on my whole life. In bunches, then they would stop for awhile, often for years. Or perhaps I just wasn’t remembering them.

As I sat there on the couch at 4 am, feeling the emotions of this latest version slowly begin to fade away, I asked and listened. What is that all about? What is unhealed within me that needs love? Certainly the me that was running didn’t feel loved. I’m not sure about the girl. I’m never her in the dream. I’m afraid FOR her, but that is my fear.

What about the man who hunts me to hurt me? Obviously no Love there. He is the darkest of fears, filled with hate. Is that me too?

Another idea that has resonated with me in recent years is that we are living in a time energetically that offers us the opportunity to heal on the soul level. To heal past life pain. To forgive others and ourselves in ways we were perhaps unable to do from a place of lower consciousness in previous lives.

Looking at my life it is easy for me to see an attachment to struggle. To life being hard. It is also easy to see the judgements I held due to seeing things as black or white, right or wrong. Add a gravity toward religion to the mix and it is not hard to accept the idea of having been both the persecuted and the persecutor in other lives.

Clearly there is a fearful man trying to survive within me. Is there also a murderer needing love within the scope of my soul? One who has hunted and tortured others, inflicting pain and suffering to match what he felt inside? Or who did so from a twisted view of what was right in the eyes of a wrathful God? I suspect so. The only important question is…can I love him too?

I found myself lying back down this morning, asking to go back into the same dream. The resonance of the fear was still there, but I wanted the chance to stop running. To get beyond my fear, my need to survive and to protect that girl. I wondered if the chase would stop if I had no fear. Would the hunter relent? What if I gave him a hug? Would he still kill me? Or would Love melt him away?