How wonderful it feels to drop anchor in the present moment. To use awareness of breath to slip below the often choppy surface of mind and into the stillness and silence of the deep.

To rest there, breathing the moment, and allow the senses to remind the heart of the beauty and balance Life always offers but the restless mind seldom sees- this, for me, shifts everything.

To do this, however, without complete self acceptance, is like diving in a submersible one doesn’t trust as entirely safe. Yes, the wonder of the underwater world will be there, but how much will I enjoy it?

Our survival minds are not wired for surrender. And it feels, for me at least, that utter self acceptance is the deepest form of it. This level of surrender often only comes when when we perceive our time left to be short. That’s what it took for me.

To truly be at peace with death requires being at peace with who I perceive myself to be, right now. And the more self aware I am, the harder this can be.

I’ve read the books. Studied many spiritual teachings. And my life looks nothing like what is often pointed to from these places. Self judgement, however subtle, can be easy.

It’s a classic spiritual paradox. To see myself through the eyes of love I must  love myself. The Buddhists call this a koan. An unsolvable problem- for the mind.

Thankfully, I am more than my mind. I am also the awareness that sees my mind, my sense of self, and can hold it tenderly, as a loving mother holds her child. The moment I move from mind to breath, and consciously offer myself to be held, I am. Both held and holding. Somehow, both mother and child, swaying gently between the two in the rhythm of breath.

This friends, is how I find the peace that passes understanding. Resting in breath, and offering myself, just as I am, to the moment. In such surrender I find love and  understanding, beauty and balance, and often, an irrepressible bit of laughter.